I DON'T LIKE TO LOOK AT ME!

I DON’T LIKE TO LOOK AT ME!

I like to think about and write about God….He is Perfect, He is Love, He is Constant.  I like to think and write about Him, because when I am looking at Him, I don’t have to look at my imperfect self.  I don’t have to look at all the mistakes I’ve made or the ways I have disappointed.  I don’t have to look at my shortcomings or my sin.  When my eyes are on God they are on Perfection!  When I look at God, my eyes are on Love.

Sometimes instead of looking at God, I look at you.  If I am looking at you, I am not looking at myself.  If I see your flaws and weaknesses, I don’t see my own.  I can always find someone who is looking worse today then I am.  I don’t always stop to consider the fact that the person I am looking at does not have the same background, talents, or support.  I just look at them and it, like looking at God, keeps my eyes off myself.

Paul stated (2 Corinthians 12:10), “when I am weak, then I am strong.”  I want to be strong, in control, having it all together, but the “weak” part I would love to just leave behind…I would rather just say, “I am strong.”  I would rather have the strength without the weakness.  I want the easy way out…always!

Paul also said (Romans 7:15), “I do not understand what I do.  What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  Now I can relate to that a lot better than “when I am weak, then I am strong.”  I could hourly write a book on that one!  I wish to not gossip, yet I can do it in a heartbeat.  I wish to not get angry with another, yet I repeatedly do just that.  I wish to not lose my temper and scream at someone I love; yet I disappoint myself regularly in that. 

James stated (James 5:16), “Confess your sins to each other.”  I don’t like to do that at all!  When I am looking at myself I am looking at the one person I truly have control over.  I am looking at the one I am responsible for.  I want to tuck my sins away, much like those bills that I don’t have the money to pay, and just forget about them for a while.  I would just rather not deal with them today, thank you!  And I certainly don’t want to confess them to you, that is even harder than looking at them by myself.

I like Paul and James…they were real, they told it like it was and still is; they walked on this earth and dealt with many of the things I deal with on a daily basis.  So I will learn to be strong in my weakness, I will know that I will do the things I hate to do, and I will confess my sins to you.  I will look at Jesus and I will try to look like Him.  I will hold my life up to His and, though I will not measure up, I will work towards looking more like Him.

I will fail dreadfully many times, but I will just start over and do it again and again.  Practice may not always make perfect, but it will always help!  I will try to force myself to look at myself, to change the things that need changing, but to always do it with love for myself. I will especially practice being gentle with myself when I need to be.  After all, if God is Love and I am trying to be pleasing to Him, I can’t leave love out of the equation, even when I’m looking at me!

Roberta Pledge

September 28, 2011